Horseback "The Invisible Mountain"

Today's album is Horseback's The Invisible Mountain.

1. "Invokation". Slow stoner buildup gets overturned by crazy dying vampire vocals. The vocals also make me think of that Gollum thing, of Lord of the Rings fame, if it was a few centuries younger. He has the ring evidently on this album. Confident little rotting thing. Horseback has strong vocals. Parts of the vocals even sound like what happens when you scrape your guitar strings with a pair of scissors or a rusty machete. Slow guitar solo at the 5:30 mark. Over the same stoner metal riff. This first song is solid.

Commercial for Captain America: The Winter Soldier. In a perfect world the soundtrack of this movie is performed by Horseback.

2. "Tyrant Symmetry". Fuzz bass interrupts a tea pot interrupted by melodic guitars interrupted by dying singer. This stuff is cool. I'm not sure what the vocals are about, but I bet it's Lord of the Rings. What else do bands sing about? The cool thing about Horseback is that their music is the exact opposite of the vocals. The music on this track kind of strikes images of 1980s space travel, while the vocals make you picture the medieval fantasy genre ogre rotting in a dungeon somewhere. Like when you find yourself framed, thrown into the dungeon, and in the corner emerges this hideous death thing that has been rotting for years. It seeks companionship, but it is also hungry. Great track.

3. "The Invisible Mountain". Drum fill from the end of "Tyrant Symmetry" blends smoothly into "The Invisible Mountain". More stoner rock. Definitely climbing an invisible mountain. The music makes me think that it is very possible that the mountain is visible, but there is no way any of the musicians are playing with their eyes open. Halfway up the invisible mountain, comes rotting singer guy. Eyes-closed musicians don't flinch. He's doing all he can to get their attention, but they aren't having it. This will probably make the singer angry. There is definitely a good vs. evil battle going on. The guitars are your heroes, the vocals are death. Who will win?

4. "Hatecloud Dissolving Into Nothing". This seems like the finale. The musicians have apparently won the battle because there are no vocals so far, three minutes into the track. I guess I was hoping for death to prevail. In the 4 minute mark it seems like vocal guy is waking up. Or maybe it's just a broken lawnmower. Vocal death is either waking up, or saying it's last words as it fades into nothing. The struggle continues for another few minutes.And by a few minutes I mean ten. It's a slow struggle, but one I think I could have lived without. SPOILER: Good prevails, but it still seems like an unsure victory.

To be continued...

4 out of 5 decapitated goats

Top Tracks:

1. Tyrant Symmetry
2. Invokation
3. The Invisible Mountain

Bathory "Hammerheart"

Today's album is Bathory's Hammerheart

Since it's Friday, I let Spotify pick the album to listen to. Spotify says that since I listened to Watain and Drudkh I should check out BatLord. No, wait, I guess that actually says Bathory. I guess Bathory is one of those important all-time metal bands, so I guess I should make an effort to get to know them. They are from Sweden and they play Viking metal. Can't go wrong with that, can we?

1. "Shores In Flames". The album opens with the sounds of waves gently crashing onto a beach. It seems like it's night time.  A guitar comes in over the waves and plays a nice little part. Nothing too scary or threatening. This shore hardly seems flammable. I'd chill at this beach. Vocals start. This might be a ballad. Can't take a ballad. I'll give this a chance though because the album cover art is something I can get behind. Three minutes in we hear the crunch of guitars. Kill the ballad vocals please. Five minutes in and we're still in ballad territory. I think he's singing about window cleaning, but I am probably wrong. Six minutes in and the vocals have turned evil. Someone else is now on the beach. Hopefully here to eliminate the initial singer. A shout of "FIRE". This is bad so far. But not in a good way. Bad in a bad way. Bad guitar solo over the burning beach. We're at the 9 minute mark. Same song. Not sure what's going on. It seems the boring singers were able to easily take care of the death singer that appeared earlier. Wouldn't mind the death singer coming back ASAP. Not feeling BatLord right now. Song goes out with a fade of flames, replacing the waves. You hear a boat in the background. That switch is kinda cool. Maybe this will build into something worthwhile.

2. "Valhalla". It's bad but I actually wish there was a Spotify commercial to break it up. This song opens up with some Metallica One-ish single note riff. A slow chug builds up in the background. I think the music is supposed to sound like that sailing ship that appeared at the flamey beach.  This song doesn't sound promising. Thankfully it's only 9 minutes and 35 seconds, unlike the 11:12 first song. "GOD OF THUNDERRRRRRRRR" "SWIIIIIING YOUR HAMMER" are some of the first lyrics. Something about something burning. Vocals are now over a choir. Metal churchy. Not my favorite. This was a bad choice for album of the day. Shame on you Spotify recommendations. At the 7 minute mark you hear actual thunder. This song is still inexplicably going. It should have ended 7 minutes ago, but the thunder is kind of cool I guess.

Subaru commercial. A metal Subaru would be cool. After-market vulture skull tint.

3. "Baptise In Fire And Ice". Decent music in the intro. Ruined with more choral vocals. I guess this is what BatLord is. The verse is actually kind of ok. Not sure what it's about, but it has potential. The chorus is ridiculous though. It's the singer going "BAPTISE...IN..." and then the choir goes "Fiiiiire annnnnd Ice". This is bad. Regular verse kicks back in, and the song is tolerable again. I think he's whining about hearing voices.  Get used to it lord of the bats. The guitar after this verse kicks into a pretty cool stoner metal riff. Unfortunately this cues the chorus choir to get ready. BAPTISE...IN... fiiiiiiiiiireeeeeeeee annnnnnnnd iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. Only 4 more minutes of this song.

Commercial. The Goddard School. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the members of BatLord did not go to the Goddard School.

4. "Father To Son". This one can't be good. Something's going on. There's a dog barking. The sound of a blacksmith hammering away at something. Someone running in the grass. Or something. A baby is crying. Metal guitar. Ruined with the damn choir. Back to guitars. Good guitars in this song. Bad vocals. I'm guessing that's BatLord's thing. This might be the best song yet. But that's not saying a lot. The song finished, but I'm not sure what happened to the baby.

5. "Song To Hall Up High". Lute ballad intermission. Not unexpected. You hear crows in the background too. Or maybe they are seagulls. Seagulls from the flaming beach of song #1. There's a lot of them now. Oh, maybe they guard this hall up so high.

6. "Home Of Once Brave". Good intro again. Good guitars, questionable drums. It's 1990 though so I can't be mad at the drums. The story is now about being on the water. And it's cold. The vocals remind me of Pink Floyd's Division Bell. Ahh, the drums do too. Four minutes in and I'm ok with this song. This song will win. The chorus vocals are present, but they are kind of in the background. At the 5:45 there are some anguished screams. Something is happening. It doesn't sound good. I mean it sounds good on the recording, but it doesn't sound good for those who are experiencing it. I'm guessing the fire on the beach has spread. Maybe to the boardwalk. DON'T GO TO THE BOARDWALK.

Justin Timberlake Mastercard commercial. Go to the boardwalk...

7. "One Rode To Asa Bay". HORSES! This album was missing something, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Now we are in some sort of meadow and there are horses. It needed horses. I guess I should have realized it's the best way to get to Asa Bay. The seagulls are close by too. And I think this music is a didgeridoo.Good stuff. I like Asa Bay so far. Ugh, the chorus is back. This time with a gong. Metal choir is usually bad, but metal choir all the time is unacceptable. Hopefully our hero mounted on his steed can save the day. I do think I like the regular vocals in this song. BatLord has grown on me. I probably just picked the wrong album.

8. "The Winds Of Mayhem-Outro" This track is only 23 seconds long. It's an outro and doesn't really fit in with the rest of the album's concept. Thankfully it signals the end though.

There were parts of this album I liked. The ending, the horse, and the main vocals grew on me. The guitars were solid too. With how many Bathory records available on Spotify, I guess it's safe to assume they knew what they were doing. Maybe Hammerheart wasn't the right spot to start. You have to remind yourself that this was 1990 to, so they were probably an important band for getting Viking metal out of the awful 80s and into the proper hell that was the 1990s. It'll get an extra decapitated goat for that alone.

2 out of 5 decapitated goats.

Top Tracks:

1. Home Of Once Brave
2. The Winds Of Mayhem-Outro
3. One Rode To Asa Bay

Gorilla Biscuits "Start Today"

Today's album is Gorilla Biscuits' Start Today. This might be my favorite hardcore punk* album of all time. It's been about ten years since I listened to all of it, so I thought it would be cool to check out again. It held up fine. If you aren't familiar to Gorilla Biscuits, each of their songs are in the one minute to two minute range, so even if you don't like a particular song it will be over soon. They weren't the most spectacular musicians in the world, but they were passionate. 

*hardcore punk should not be confused with metal. This is definitely not metal.

1. "New Direction". Starts with trumpets.  Then a guitar. Drum stick count off. Bass and drums. This song is the absolute best. "Rebirth of hardcore pride". It's hard writing along to this album because I just want to jump up and break stuff. A couple verses, a couple courses, slow down into the best breakdown in history. Then the song is over.

2. "Stand Still". This song starts off talking about how you are sitting on a couch, as a slave to a TV show. Similar to yesterday, when we talked about being eternal slaves to a vampiir. Today, we are slaves to a tv show. This album came out in 1989...back when TV didn't even exist. Were their competitive tattoo shows in 1989? No. TV has won.
"OUR LIVES ARE LEAD BY TV SHOWS YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE." Then he asks a rhetorical question on whether or not it's ok that we play Donkey Kong instead of thinking. I'll answer anyway: Of course there is nothing wrong with that.

Commercial for Hyatt Place. They are going with the goldilocks approach. How's your porridge, Hyatt Place?

3. "Degradation". This song is about people degrading the scene. A real no-no. It talks about how boring it is to just hate everything all the time, everyday.  "YOU GOT NOTHING BUT HATRED". Probably talking to the cats in Dark Funeral.

4. "Good Intentions". 29 second song. Nothing wrong with that, but I do think they intended it to be longer.

5. "Forgotten". A pretty forgettable song, up until it gets to the breakdown (which comes like 45 seconds into the song). Singer sings how he won't forget you. That's real nice. He also thinks it's ok that you don't hang out with him anymore.

6. "Things We Say". It's important to remember what you say might be offensive to someone else. But at the same time it's really surprising that you can't take a "(f-wording) joke".

7. "Start Today". The greatest song ever written about procrastination. Although to be honest, there may be better ones out there, but groups never got around to getting them recorded. The first few chords of this procrastination song sound like they were played in a room down the hall. Possibly the guy was too lazy to drag the amp to the studio. A quick remedy and a replay of the same chords and we're good to go. "My room's a mess and I can't get dressed, I gotta be out by 8 o'clock. Deep inside I know the answer" What is the answer? "Procrastinate, It can wait, I put it off". Ohhhhhhh. We can all relate. Hardcore breakdown, followed up by a little harmonica riff. That harmonica part is under-appreciated. I need a tattoo of that harmonica part.

8. "Two Sides". Not a song about a circle.

9. "First Failure". We've all been there. We worked so hard for something, and still end up messing up. Gorilla Biscuits are here to remind you that we all go through it. Try it again. You messed up before. You'll mess up again. You were let down before. You'll be let down again. Kind of bleak. Gorilla Biscuits think you should just keep getting up. They like watching you fail.

10. "Competition". I think this is a continuation of song #9. Competition will get the best of you. There is a cool whistling part in it. Probably couldn't find the harmonica.

11. "Time Flies".  This song is one minute and 45 seconds. You're not getting younger, you are getting older. THAT IS SCARY. Thanks for the reminder Gorilla Biscuits. Where's your harmonica? Honestly though, wouldn't it be just as scary, if not scarier, if you got younger instead of older? Never saw that Brad Pitt movie, don't intend to.

Subaru commercial. The picture accompanying the audio has a slogan of "Before MP3s it was LPs". Listen to song #9, Subaru.

12. "Cats and Dogs". This song makes me cringe. The idea of it is fine. It's about taking care of all animals, not just your cute pets. That's fine, but saying "cats and dogs have all the luck" is a bit of a stretch.

13. "Sitting Around at Home". This is like an attempt at being a rock and roll song. It's not that good. They already covered tv addiction earlier in the program. The song should have been eliminated.

14. "Gorilla Biscuits". This song is cool because the singer sings "G-o-r-i-doubleL-a" extremely fast over and over again. Then a bunch of his friends are allowed to sing on it, and it kind of works. Everyone is real mad, but I think they are all just joking around because it ends with them laughing. Probably not meant to be taken seriously, but I take it very seriously.

This album is a classic.

5 out of 5 decapitated goats (fake goats, GB).

Top tracks:

1. New Direction
2. Start Today
3. Stand Still

Dark Funeral "Angelus Exuro Pro Eternus"

Today's album is Dark Funeral's Angelus Exuro Pro Eternus. It is an excellent thrash metal album. It reminds me of Skeletonwitch. This is a good thing.

1. The first track is called "The End of Human Race". It is the only song that you will be able to listen to, since I don't think you can rock Spotify when you are dead. Maybe you can if you pay for Premium. The band could have waited until the last track to eliminate humanity, but it has decided to get things started right away. If you are forced to pick the soundtrack of your own destruction, you could do a lot worse.

Spotify has decided to place a Subaru ad in between the first and second track. I like Subarus. All-wheel drive is appealing. Someone should let Spotify/Subaru know that humans no longer exist. A little late to get into the hybrid game, Subaru. Advertising rates are probably cheap when the world has ended.

If you have Premium, read on.

2. After the commercial ends, the onslaught continues with "The Birth of The Vampiir". This is my favorite song on the album. I've only listened to it a couple of times, so I'm not sure of all of the lyrics, but I'm pretty sure that the vampiir referenced in the song title provides some guest vocals. He is clearly not happy. Can evil exist and flourish in a humanless world? Of the lyrics I made out, I hear a mention of eternal slaves, so I guess Dark Funeral believes the answer is yes. You thought it could only go uphill once the human race ended? You thought wrong.

3. "Stigmata" is up next. It starts with a guttural "STIG-MAT-A" (x4). Blast beats. A guitar string is bent, which signals for the attack to start. The attack is swift and strong. And painful. Good tune. It ends with some more "stigmata" chanting. Full circle. Let's move on!

4. "My Funeral". Starts with about 20 seconds of whispering (or instructions) and a slow buildup of guitars. Then a blast of everything all at once. This is an old metal trick that will work every time. Even when you hear the buildup, which kind of tips off what's coming, the onslaught still catches you by surprise. Again, I rarely try to listen to lyrics, so I'm not sure what's going on, but the music doesn't really make me think of funerals. In my experience, funerals are sad, quiet, and straightforward. You know what's happening on the surface at least. While I am sorry for the loss of Dark Funeral, I do have to admit their funeral is exciting. Maybe their song is a representation of what is going on beneath the surface. They do what they can to take the fun out of it. This is the highest rated Dark Funeral song on Spotify. It's good, but I still think "The Birth of The Vampiir" and "The End of Human Race" are better.

5. "Angelus Exuro Pro Eternus" Not sure what this means. Not sure I want to look it up either. Since it's the same title as the album, it's probably an important song, but it doesn't really standout in any way.

6. The sixth song is called "Demons of Five". Makes me think of that show Party of Five. I never watched that show so the comparison stops there. This song starts off with split vocals...a real classic duet between the lead singer and death itself. I think halfway through the song death takes over. Not sure what happens to the lead singer.

7. "Declaration of Hate". I'm spacing out on this album, so it's all starting to blend together. It's a good blend, but nothing is really sticking out on these later tracks. It's cool they add their declaration here, but I think anybody who sees the album cover knows what is going on.


Spotify commercial for The Goddard School. This school is determined to help children exceeding at life or something. Let's move on from positive thinking.......

8. .........aaaaaaaaaaand back to metal. "In My Dreams". I think I had a dream last night about the upcoming jeans day at work. In the dream I had like three pairs of jeans to choose from, and none of them had ripped knees. It was one of those dreams where you wake up and it feels real. Like your three flawless pairs of jeans are just sitting together in a drawer, allowing you to make a decision on what jeans you can wear. A few minutes go by when I realize it was just a dream. I have no idea where any pairs of undestroyed jeans are. The song is kind of boring.

9. "My Latex Queen". This is it. We reached the end. This one starts off with a full assault on the face. If you're interested in getting in shape, try covering this song. They tire out around the three minute mark, before death takes over again with a final message. The song then just kinda fades out for two minutes. 

Spotify has 5 live tracks (from Buenos Aires!) included on the album. I didn't listen to them, because live tracks seem kind of hypocritical. All in all, this is a good death metal album. It doesn't keep up to what it establishes early on, but the front songs are so strong that it would be difficult for anyone to continue the pace.

4 out of 5 decapitated goats

Top tracks:

1. The Birth of The Vampiir
2. The End of Human Race
3. My Funeral